It is time for me to post here again...
I have always been an animal lover, to date we have 3 cats, 2 dogs, and a tank full of fish. They fill me with an indescribable sense of companionship. They are loyal, loving me even when I am unlovable, they are always happy to see me, whether it has been 10 minutes or 10 days. I got my love for animals from my mother, who quite frankly, is a much better pet owner than I consider myself. She taught us to love them, and be kind to them, and enjoy them...for all of us know that we will have to say good-bye to many pets over our lifetime.
My first experience with saying goodbye came yesterday. Sure, growing up we had several cats that spent many years with us that my parents had to decide when it was their time, and a dog that we got, who grew up with Deidra and I, who eventually had to leave our lives too...but yesterday was about me....me watching my kitty, and knowing that she was leaving us...I had to decide if I should take her to the vet to be put down, or if I would let her stay and die at home.
I found her very sick on Tuesday evening, granted a year ago she was in the beginning stages of kidney failure. I knew eventually her time would come. I chose not to medicate her after a month of doing so, because it was entirely too stressful for her...she no longer ran to me...she ran from me, and as her owner, I decided that we would enjoy the time that we had with her. That was a little over a year ago.
She was the cat, that chased me all over the house waiting for her canned food in the morning and in the evening...she had lost major weight, and I'm guessing that she was a measly 3 lbs...but boy did she eat. Tuesday evening, when I went to feed them...she didn't come running...when I called her name....she didn't come running...instead she came out of hiding just so I could see her...and then she laid and watched me fill her kitty bowl with her favorite food...and then I carried her to it, and she didn't eat...and then I carried her to the water dish...and she didn't drink. ...and then I knew our time was almost up with her. I cried, while she laid like a baby on my chest. I carried her upstairs and snuggled into bed with her, and prayed, that she would leave us peacefully sometime in the night. She didn't move all night, and in the morning she was just a small piece of the cat she had been just 24 hours prior.
My girls said goodbye to her before they went off to school, and I knew that I would have to decide her fate. To make the decision even harder, was she in pain? Could I just keep her home and hold her until she passed? Is that me being selfish? There was no clear thought on any of it, every answer contradicted the one before. So I researched, when is the right time?...and my decider was not hard to find....It said, "if your cat can not eat, or drink, or get up to move around, then you have waited too long", and my heart sank....should I have put her down at the beginning of kidney failure even though to us she was still full of life? Did I make her spend a year in pain, even though I saw no evidence of pain?
The appointment was set for 3 pm, at a vet I had not seen before, but was very close to home. I loaded her into the car like a baby wrapped in a blanket, and I held her all the way, with her near lifeless body snuggled close to my heart, and her heart struggling to continue to beat next to mine. I got myself as close to composed as I could, and entered the office. I apparently looked like I felt, and the ladies at the counter filled my paperwork out for me, and would only need my signature. Moments before we were done with all the paperwork, I looked at my kitty-girl wrapped in her blankie, in my arms like a baby, and she was gone. I didn't end up having to put her down, but that really was no consolation. She was gone, and I felt sad not only for me and my girls, but for her, and her 2 kitty companions that would never see her again after many years together, and for the man who I got them from 5 years ago after he suffered a heart attack and stroke and none of his family was willing to care for them. How sad he would be to learn that one of them is no longer here.
Losing my beloved kitty-girl(Tasha) is much harder than it had ever been growing up when their fate was not in my hands.
Kitty-angels... fly down, and take my kitty-girl home so she may rest in peace.
